Kissing Frogs Read online

  “Come on, Auntie Cass,” she said, disdain dripping from her voice. “I’m only eleven and even I know that Grandma would rather have her fingernails ripped off rather than have Finn in her house.”

  “Graphic, but true, I suppose. But…” I left my sentence unfinished. Score two for the kid. I was on the losing end of this conversation and we both knew it. I just wasn’t ready to admit defeat quite yet.

  “Help me, Auntie Cass. You’re my only hope,” she whined plaintively.

  “Points for the Star Wars reference, little girl. You’re playing dirty,” I accused. The girl was clever at the best of times. Hungover, I was screwed. Score three.

  “He can’t stay alone, so I need you to help me out. Mom says I can’t take him on the plane, not even in a travel box.”

  And score four for the kid. Even I couldn’t argue with that logic, no matter how much I wanted to. I could imagine the chaos that would erupt on the plane if the creature got loose mid-flight, especially an international one. Screaming passengers standing on their seats. Angry flight attendants trying to control the hysteria. Air marshals pulling out guns. Chaos resulting in my eleven-year-old niece in silver bracelets, the kind that come with a trip to a special room fitted with bars and striped pajamas. That would definitely ruin her future street cred. ‘What are you in for?’ ‘Frogs on a plane. Mass chaos.’ At the very least, Kyra on a no-fly list for the rest of her life. No, that wouldn’t be good at all. Although… it wouldn’t be the end of the world, would it?

  “C’mon, Auntie, please? For me? He needs someone to take care of him and keep him company. He’s gonna be lonely without me.” Kyra begged, doing her damnedest to break me. I swear this kid takes sadistic pleasure in messing with me. It didn't matter that she wasn't here. I imagined her big blue eyes, filled to the point of overflowing with giant crocodile tears. Batting her little butterfly lashes innocently as she stared at me. The kid had perfected her game over the years. She didn’t even need to be in the same room with me to work her magic. Still, I had to try…

  “It’s a frog, Ky. Why exactly does a frog need company? You don’t actually expect me to talk to it, do you? They aren’t exactly known to be sparkling conversationalists, you know.”

  Her only reply was another long-suffering sigh of frustration. I could see the eyes rolling, her hand on her hip. Little Miss Diva could pop an attitude when the situation required it. She was a master manipulator, not above dirty tricks.

  “Let me ask you a question, Miss Kyra. Why are you just now asking me to take care of it?”

  There was a long, telling silence. It was almost possible to hear the gears turning in her devious little mind. I wondered what creative nugget she would come up with to cover up her duplicitous behavior. I was almost disappointed when she decided to go with honesty.

  “Because I wasn’t sure you’d say yes if I asked ahead of time. If I was out of options, I knew you’d agree.”

  Honest, yes. But not a single shred of shame or remorse at her ruthless manipulation of her hapless aunt. I’ve taught her well. Only I taught her to use it against her mother, not me.

  “Fine. You win, just like you knew you would, you manipulative little brat,” I said with a sigh of my own. I lost before I even started and we both knew it. I had the spine of a jellyfish when it came to Kyra. “What do I feed the creature? I’m not going to have to touch it, am I?”

  “He is not an ‘it,’ Auntie, nor is he a ‘creature.’ His name is Finn and the last time I checked, that’s a boy’s name,” she sniffed. “And he eats crickets, of course. You don’t have to feed him every day, just every couple of days.”

  “Crickets? Dead ones, right? Does that mean I have to go looking for them? Because I don’t want to have to go cricket hunting. Or is there some kind of dead cricket store somewhere in town?”

  If I was going to get suckered into taking care of a slimy amphibian, I earned the right to torment my niece a little. Or a lot. And the damn thing better come with ample chocolate and wine. I made a mental note to extract payment from my sister for my good deed. But Kyra didn’t seem to appreciate my humor, reigning me back in with a healthy sigh.

  “Don’t you know anything at all about frogs? They eat live crickets, from the pet store. I bought a tub of them yesterday and I’ll bring it with me when we come over today. It won’t be enough to last the whole time I’m gone, but it’ll be enough for a while. I’ll bring his treats, too, when we come over.”

  “Treats? Frogs get treats? Like what? Chocolate? Granola bars?”

  “Oh. My. God. A frog doesn’t eat human food. Mealworms and superworms. He gets a couple every now and then.”

  “Mealworms and superworms? I sure as hell would never dine on a worm and I don’t even know what a superworm is, but it sounds disgusting. How can there even be such a thing? I'm telling you, Ky, no worm is super."

  My humor was met with silence. Not even a sigh, much less a pity laugh. All I heard over the phone was crickets... My joke made me giggle. I was hungover and tired. It didn't take much.

  "Please tell me that some type of implement comes with them. Because I can tell you right now that these fingers are not touching worms.”

  “You can use tweezers if you have to. Just try not to squish them before you give them to Finn, okay?”

  “Kyra, I love you. But there is no way in hell I’m going to use my tweezers for any kind of worm, super or not. Those things touch my eyebrows, not worms. So, if you want it to have worms you better tell your mama to pack some of her tweezers.”

  Another sigh of frustration was her only response. Her disgust with my ignorance was obvious. But that was okay. I was feeling pretty disgusted myself at the thought of frogs, crickets, and worms in my house.

  “So, what you’re basically telling me is that I’m not just frog-sitting. I'm babysitting worms and crickets, too? I get to play hostess to a slimy creature and a butt load of chirping bugs and slithering grubs? Fantastic. It’s a damn good thing that you are my favorite niece, little girl.”

  “I’m your only niece, Auntie Cass,” she replied slowly so that her ignorant aunt could understand. “Oh, and don’t forget to sing to him before bedtime.”

  I thought the wine-induced fog had faded from my brain. But either it hadn't or I was hallucinating. And who hallucinated about singing to frogs?

  “Excuse me? You want me to sing to it? A frog? Please tell me you’re kidding, Ky. I mean, what does a frog even listen to?” I pondered the question for a moment. “My 2 Chainz is a little rough, but I could probably handle a little Katy Perry if I had to. Or I could throw on some heavy metal for him, if he likes to head bang.”

  I heard yet another dramatic sigh on the other end of the line before Kyra’s shout almost burst my eardrum.

  “Mom! Are you sure Auntie Cass can handle this? She thinks she needs to sing Katy Perry songs to Finn!” I could hear my sister in the background, snorting as she tried in vain to avoid succumbing to laughter as she reassured her daughter. Mac obviously had more confidence in my frog-sitting abilities than I did. I also wasn’t quite sure why Kyra thought I was so ridiculous. She was the one who told me I had to sing to the damn thing. Had I somehow missed an important part of my life’s required education? Is that why I wasn’t in the know about amphibious musical taste? Somehow, I didn’t feel cheated out of a thing.

  Mac was still laughing and trying to convince her of my intelligence and capabilities when Kyra came back to the phone. Her voice was more serious than the average politician explaining away his latest tryst with a surgically-enhanced, female business associate. It was obvious that Mac’s hysterical laughter didn’t reassure Kyra in the slightest.

  “Auntie Cass,” she began gravely. “You know that Finn is important to me, don’t you? You need to be serious about this.”

  “Yes, ma’am. Sorry, ma’am.”

  And once again, a long, drawn-out sigh. It was beginning to be a pattern with her. She was not in the mood for the hilarity that
was her aunt’s sarcastic, yet smart, wit.

  “Lullabies, Auntie Cass. You need to sing Finn to sleep with lullabies. And you can’t forget or he won’t settle down and go to sleep when you do. Sleep is important for frogs, too. Just put down a towel on your nightstand for him to sleep on, with a little bowl of water for him nearby. Okay? Do you understand everything?”

  “Hold up a second. Are you telling me it doesn’t sleep in its tank? And why exactly is that?”

  “He doesn’t like feeling cramped at night.”

  “And how exactly do you know how he feels?” It was a question that begged to be asked, even if I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer.

  “I just know. Besides, would you like sleeping in a cage?”

  “No, I wouldn’t. But then again, there is a big difference between me and it. I’m not a frog. I’m a human being. Surely, you’ve learned about the food chain in school? You do know that frogs are not anywhere near the top of it, right? In fact, many people find their hind appendages to be lovely appetizers. They don’t sing to them and let them sleep on towels.”

  “Auntie Cass! That’s a horrible thing to say. Finn is not food and he is not a pet! He’s a part of my family, just like you are!”

  Great. Now she’s ticked and comparing me to a frog. Awesome.

  “Okay, okay! Calm down, sweetling. I get it. You love your frog. That’s awesome. But not sleeping in his terrarium? Yeah, I love you, Ky, but that’s not going to work for me. At all. I’ll sing to him all you want. I’ll sing whatever you want whenever you want. But he is staying in his terrarium. He has his space and I have mine. I’ll put the whole damn tank in there, okay? I’ll even put it next to my bed. But he stays in it.”

  After several more sighs and creative attempts at changing my mind, Kyra finally agreed to my demands. But she was obviously disappointed in me and my ability to be a perfect and cool aunt. It seemed that her standards of perfection depended on my knowledge, or the lack of it, of amphibians. I wasn't up on their care, feeding, and musical stylings and that cost me cool points. She muttered a lot and I was pretty sure that some questionable language was used to cast aspersions upon my character. The brat was so focused on her grumbling that she hung up on me.

  I burrowed back into my bed as I contemplated my new reality. A few weeks of chirping bugs, squirmy worms, and a frog for a roommate. What exactly did I do to deserve this? It seemed that karma was getting antsy and kicking my butt for some unknown slight committed in a previous life. I fell back asleep and the frog and crickets followed me into my dreams.

  It was mid-morning when I woke up again and even that came too early for me. Those extra couple hours of sleep hadn't helped a damn bit. Even though I had been a responsible adult and turned my back on the rest of the bottle of wine last night, I still felt like death warmed over. Of course, the pre-dawn conversation with my niece hadn’t helped.

  When I reached the kitchen, the world around me was still spinning. My head and my stomach felt like I had partied hard during my pity party of one. But I distinctly remembered putting away a half-full bottle in the fridge, so why I felt like I had sucked on a dirty sock was a mystery. But as it turned out, that was less of a memory and more of a hallucination. The bottle was still sitting on the kitchen counter.

  I thought I had only had two or three glasses, but it seemed that, too, was a hallucination. The bottle was completely empty, not even a single drop left inside. A second bottle stood next to it, equally as empty. As I picked them up to toss them in the recycling bin, I had a sudden flash of memory. A bottle in my hand. Upending it as I drained the last few drops of alcoholic therapy into my open mouth. Well, shit. That explained a great deal.

  As the coffee brewed, I shook a couple of pain relievers into my hand and knocked them back. The instant brain freeze from the cold water woke me up a little, but it sure as hell wasn't enough for the day ahead. I leaned against the counter and stared at the coffee maker as if that would somehow hasten the production of much-needed caffeine. The moment it stopped brewing, I poured myself a large mug, heavily laden with coconut cream in an attempt to hurry its journey from the pot to my brain. A few sips and I felt awake enough to avoid accidentally drowning myself in the shower. Between the magic of java and a hot shower, I was marginally sure that I could pass as human. I might even make it through the awkward matchmaking disguised as Kyra’s party.

  I had time to kill, so I puttered around the kitchen while I waited for everyone to show up, not that there was much to do. My obsessive need to be prepared ahead of time meant that I did everything I could yesterday before my date. But now I realized that might have been a tactical error. At least if I had to cook, I would have an excuse to avoid the latest hookup.

  The thought of self-sabotage as a survival skill hadn’t fully formed when the doorbell rang. It was too late. I was screwed. I opened the door and immediately wished I hadn’t, stifling the urge to slam the door.

  I wasn’t ready for what was on the other side of that door. A large green frog at eye level, held aloft by my niece. Shock froze me in place as I engaged it in a staring contest. This was not what I expected to see right in front of my face when I opened the door and I was rendered stupid.

  It let out a loud, deep croak and scared the crap out of me. I tried and failed to stifle a girlish shriek. That successfully shattered any last illusion of adult-like composure, as did my dramatic leap backward. I almost killed myself falling over the bottom steps of the stairs behind me.

  That damn frog was a whole lot bigger than I remembered. Or I had blocked it from my mind, suppressing the reality that the thing was the size of my dog. No frog should be big enough to rival the size of a dog, not even a small one like Luna.

  I kept a wary eye on the thing as Kyra strode in and kicked off her shoes. It was obvious that she was still annoyed with me when she walked by with little more than a mumbled hello. However, that was less worrying to me than the fact that she carried the frog cradled in her arms, free from any kind of real restraint. I was so focused on that and its proximity to my person that I forgot that Kyra hadn’t driven herself to my house until Mac nudged me in the ribs.

  “Good morning,” Mac said before kissing me on the cheek. “Help me, will you?”

  She carried a small glass aquarium in her arms and a backpack over one shoulder. I took the aquarium and carried it into the living room where it sat on my coffee table, minus its inhabitant. Mac was gone again, leaving the bright green backpack, appropriately emblazoned with the Sanrio frog, at the bottom of the stairs. I didn't know frogs required luggage. I picked it up, more than a little alarmed by the rustling and chirping that suddenly emanated from it.

  I still held it away from me in horror when Tom lumbered up the steps, carrying a second terrarium in his arms. This one was much bigger, complete with foliage, branches, and a miniature pond. I was not expecting multiple lodging arrangements for the creature. He sneezed nonstop as he carried it and I leaped forward to help him set it on the floor.

  “Thank you! Morning, sis,” he said with a grin and another ferocious sneeze. His grin was a touch evil, although its impact was slightly lessened by his inability to stop hacking. But it was enough to tell me that I hadn’t hidden my lack of adult composure as well as I had hoped. “You look like hell. You hungover or just not a fan of frogs?”

  “Good guess. On both parts. It’s nice to see you, too.”

  “No coffee yet, huh?” Tom both understood and shared my obsessive need for the stuff.

  “I had coffee. Just not enough,” I grumbled.

  “Yeah, well. We figured you would need more. So, we came prepared!”

  A giant cup appeared over my right shoulder. Over my other shoulder appeared a small paper bag that smelled like warm, chocolate doughnuts. I took immediate possession of the bag and inhaled deeply. They had come prepared, a fact that mollified me a little and I felt a bit less homicidal and panicked.

  “You came with a bribe. Smart.”
>
  “I do know my sister!” Mac winked at me and slipped the offending backpack off my shoulder before handing me my coffee. “You should raise the bar a little, though. Chocolate and coffee is too easy.”

  “Yeah, your sister should know,” Tom said to me with a laugh. “It’s a good thing your dad pays well because it takes a lot more than that to appease this one.” He threw a hitchhiker’s thumb in Mac’s direction. She responded with a middle finger delicately extended in his direction. Such a lady.

  “So, where do you want this thing?” Tom picked up the terrarium from the floor and immediately began to sneeze. His face turned so red that I began to worry. “It’s heavy, so…” he interrupted himself to sneeze again. “Wherever you have me put it is where it will stay. That’s why we brought the little one, too, in case you want to move him. This is the one Ky wants him to sleep in at night. You know… since you’re being so unreasonable about his nocturnal requirements.”

  I flipped him off before answering. “That thing is a whole lot bigger than I thought it would be,” I said, eyeing the tank with its double doors. “I don’t think there’s any way in hell it’s going to fit on my nightstand. Which is going to tick off your daughter. She’s a wee bit demanding, in case you didn't already know.”

  I hoped against hope that I was off the hook. That I wasn’t going to have to spend every night with the creature that close to me as I slept. But my hopes were soon dashed by Tom’s sneeze-infused laugh.

  “Nice try,” he said and I felt my face fall in disappointment. “I promised my daughter I’d find a way around any argument you might come up with. I planned ahead.”

  “Meaning?” I didn’t have the intestinal fortitude to fight my diva niece. I wasn't at my best with a hangover stilling lingering around the edges of my brain.

  “Meaning I’m going to move your furniture around a bit and make it work. You don’t mind, do you?”

  “Does it really matter if I do?” He smiled innocently when I glared at him and flipped him the bird again. I was powerless against my niece and we all knew it. I sighed in defeat. “Whatever works. Thanks… I guess.”